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Sunday, January 03, 2016

My Life in review


Many years ago, I was only 17 when I took upon myself to study clinical medicine. I was ready to commit, I was ready to make a difference and I was ready to change the world. Much of my social circles considered it a  noble field and an excellent venture worthy of taking on and accomplishing. "The epitome of professional excellence" they called it. Yet, finding myself in medicine was difficult. Although pursuing complex knowledge was both thought provoking and intriguing, other aspects were less attractive. I enjoyed interacting with individuals yet found my interactions most structured in order to conserve time and gather data for prescribing interventions and medication. It was an interesting experience but the more I was immersed in it, the more I wished for more... I hoped for less time within the walls of a hospital and more interaction with the determinants of health. It's difficult to explain, I wanted to create change on a wider, highly accessible platform. A platform that would allow me to understand the human side of health and the social and cultural complexity associated with it. That's when I found public health and that's exactly the time I stopped writing regularly on this blog. I had finally found my calling, something I was so passionate about that I associated a smile with the very expression of it's interest.

Looking back at my education and my longing to belong to a profession where I could make a big difference, I really do get teary. After actively seeking employment for 16 months upon graduation, I cannot say I've been fruitful in securing a position within my field. Some would say that I need to keep going, while others would say that I must pay my dues. Many more would say it's just a bad time for finding a decent job. Here's my opportunity to empower community health and I am without ground to stand on. When I was 17 years old and I took the elevator to my 1st Anatomy course, I didn't think I would feel so useless. I didn't think for a second that my education and experiences would land me in front of a screen with tears in my eyes writing about my feelings of worthlessness.... 

LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... Oh life, if I could have a conversation with you... If you were a person who could hear my words... What could I say? I cannot even blame you for my actions, as they are my own and I am solely responsible for them. I cannot even ask you to weep on my behalf because I have a roof over my head and people who love me. I cannot even give myself an hour to feel sorry for myself as that would mean I am quitting on myself... And I am not a quitter... 

Reviewing 28 years of joyous mistakes and echoing accomplishments, I am expressing myself at a sore point in my life. I could be quite unhappy regarding this experience or state of being on the 3rd of January 2016. But I will not! I choose to believe that I can and will change the world. I am grateful for this feeling so early on in the new year as it will only make me stronger. It will only make me more determined and eager to take on a future where I can instrument greater dreams in the field of health and healthcare. 



Happy New Year to all the agents of change and dreamers out there! Times do get rough, it doesn't matter when exactly it is in the new year. You  must always look on at the positive side of things because the alternative is unacceptable to consider. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Dreaming a nightmare...

 
 
So far, over the 25 years I've been alive, I've had sooo many amazing dreams while I was asleep, that I couldn't remember. The perfect day, winning the lottery, the perfect date, the perfect wet... you know! Just glimpses unfortunately of what was probably an amazing dream! For some reason I am 90% of the time unable to recall my dreams, call it a short attention span or just mere luck!
Dreaming up a nightmare would be the last on my wish list... I'd rather wish not to dream up such a thing... The world we live in, is starting to become more and more different, it is starting to shape in to something I cannot understand.
 
When I was growing up, I was extremely lost, call it puberty! hormones! the whole shebang! But after med school and tons of volunteering etc... The world started to get extremely challenging which I kinda liked. But now, as I'm shown my way in to a world that looks upon our universe in a much different light. I am afraid! WHY? Because of the way human existence is starting to shape itself... Another species goes extinct and what do we do? We keep going... moving on... like nothing every happened... Who grieves for the fallen if they are not as humane as we are? The question is... Are we then humane?
 
Dreams? Nightmares... The world keeps turning inevitably out of our control, the powers that state they are in control have absolutely no control of it. They simple try as they must to control it, but with such demand and need and growing populations we are nearing an edge... to a cliff... that keeps growing in height... higher and higher... They do say "The higher you climb... the harder you fall..." We have not fallen yet...
 
Sigh... What am I to do?? One man?
 
Well I think I have hope... Which is why I wrote this post... I have hope that those who read this post would reflect on their yesterdays and change their tomorrows. We cannot live the way we live and hope that our children will not meet the consequences. It doesn't work that way.... Father your courage and raise your voice, for if you do not... Mother nature will surely rest... She will rest in peace forever...
 
Start with a few 50 steps... But there will always be more things to do!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Father ≠ Dad


Just a random poem I put together over the years... Hope you guys like it...

When I was young,
You were suppose to be there...
To lift me up,
To break my fall
To keep me safe,
To be my dad...
 
I was always,
Surrounded by love,
You weren't there,
But others stepped up,
To be my angels,
To be my avengers,
To be my family...
 
I grew up sheltered,
I grew up wanted,
I grew up with amazing people,
Flooding me with love,
You only came by,
Only with convenience,
Only with broken promises...
 
Being a parent,
Isn't a part time job,
It isn't just a call on birthdays,
It's wanting more for them,
It's being more, just for them,
That much I knew,
That much I know...
 
Now...
A decade later,
You call me your own,
You advise me more,
I may see you speaking,
Dear father,
But I don't see my dad,
Cause when mine left,
A long ago,
He never came back...

All I see now,
Is a stranger,
All I see now
Is a label...
 
 
By Yoshith Perera

Sunday, September 01, 2013

Moody mUCH?

 
 
Everybody tends to be moody at some junction in their journey in life. It’s pretty much a requirement to be moody, to be the norm. A requirement that often must occur several times a year or to the special people several times a week... Maybe there is a direct correlation with stress and family life, the weight of kids going to college, the cost of private schools and overall family life. Some might say having a significant other in your life might lessen the burden. It’s quite true, given the person is not a douche bag and he/she actually helps to make those shoulders feel less heavy. On the other hand, the person may also unfortunately make those shoulders of yours, feel much much MUCH heavier!
I’m not a parent, so I cannot comment of the stress a mother/ a father must feel with regard to the life their child leads. The fear that they might not be accomplished or fail in the process of school etc must be daunting. However as a student who will soon be starting his journey in graduate studies I find that parents can often be more stressed out about your life than you are. It makes sense, after all they fear for our future. I find that I am as a person quite relaxed with regard to a lot of things... Don’t get me wrong, I am most terrified about life and the explicit uncertainties it holds. But I also understand that the majority of things in my life are out of my control. If i stress about it, only I will feel the torment of it. It is likely that I will share much of the torment with my family but nothing will be accomplished at such. The only thing that would come out of it, would be a possible organic symptom of diarrhoea or constipation or if you’re extremely unlucky an organic disorder.
What I mean by moody is the negative emotional reactions a person expresses as a result of the stress they feel during the day. From emotional stress to physical stress, the person you become to the world may be quite off-putting. None of us likes to hang out with cranky Susie from work or pessimistic George from school. As human beings, we all want to be drenched in positive energy, even cranky Susie and pessimistic George. We are attracted to enthusiastic environments even the most corny ones.
The point that I am trying to make is that being in a good mood regardless of what the world is throwing at you only makes you healthier. Disease, death, financial burdens and the sorrows of intimate relationships are going to follow us all! Why? Because we all want intimacy, we all want to be wanted and we all wish to find that person we recognize as our soul mate. You may disagree with me, but I doubt you’d agree with me even if you do agree. It’s a corny little secret we tell ourselves.
We cannot control the majority of situations in our lives and we cannot control the migration of people in and out of our social lives but we do have the opportunity to control ourselves to a considerable extent. If you allow yourself to blossom as a person, people WILL notice you and be drawn to YOU regardless of where you are and what you do. The first step to doing this is acknowledging your circumstances in life and acknowledging your mood! You got to get go of those things that hold you back, the fear of the future etc etc ETC!!! These are things you can NO CONTROL over so let them go... STOP stressing over them when they cannot be changed. You will address the situations at a sensible time and at an appropriate time. You never know, circumstances might change and problems may in fact have simpler solutions with time.
Start having fun! Just cause you have 3 kids, a wife and a mortgage doesn’t mean you can’t afford to have fun. You never know when you’re going to drop dead and become manure, so enjoy LIFE! Life is obviously hectic but there’s a ton of movies to watch and other recreational activities that you can adopt. Enjoy the weather, the green outside, especially with global warming and drastic climate changes in the horizon you need to enjoy it till it lasts! Exercise your brain, learn something new! Etudes Francais or study Spanish / German. Exercise your body! You don’t necessarily have to join the gym, join a yoga/ martial arts or even a salsa class, you’re gonna burn calories! And you’re gonna live!!!!!!! You’re also gonna love having fun!
Just because your boss is being an A-HOLE, you don’t have to be an A-HOLE @ home. It might be the just one time and write it off as a possible bad day for him/her. If it however a recurring state of affairs, one must either bring it to the attention of a higher authority, bring it the said individual’s attention that he’s an A-HOLE, quit or address the possibility that you may be an A-HOLE as well. You don’t have to be someone’s punching bag and most importantly you’re not supposed to be anyone’s punching bag. We are all God’s children, whom ever your God maybe. If you’re an atheist, you’re a child of the universe... And I doubt that God or the universe wishes you harm, so don’t allow yourself to be treated like shit. So treat yourself with respect, allow others to only treat you with respect and common decency, and most of all treat others with the same respect and decency...
We are all created equal, we are all made of fresh and blood and we all have feelings. Mental health is one of the most important governing factors of any community, a happy, healthy community fosters a healthy and growing environment. So start with yourself and your family and end with the world... You will obviously get much resistant simply because people can be quite anal about everything!
But think of it this way, if you’re happy and you live a stress free life, a life with less negativity, you will be the first to benefit and you will be the most to benefit!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The crows... Part 3

#FWF Free Write Friday: Famous Last Words
 
“All people dream, but not equally.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the
morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous
people, For they dream their dreams with open eyes, And make them come
true."
- D.H. Lawrence
My brother recited a verse off a poem by D.H. Lawrence as per the Perera family tradition at the weekly brunch table. Fortunately it was one of my favourites, so I tolerated his corniness for once without my usual constant interruptions. The table was set with my grandmother's favorite linen tablecloth, with lavish silver embroidery. My mother's silver tableware crowded the table, the ones she had brought here to Canada when we migrated. My family would usually lay out the fine china when we had important company and especially when they wanted to impress someone. Well in this situation, it was the Fernando family... Outside by the deck overlooking the peaceful lake is where we would usually entertain, provided the weather was great. Mother nature was seemingly kind to us over the last couple of days, the sky was calm with much blue and few grey clouds. The Sun was at it's peak but not too warm, as the wind picked up the gentle cool air. It was a good day to be outside.

The Fernando family was another traditional Sri Lankan family living in the city of Brampton whom unfortunately had 2 single daughters. The misfortune was my brother's and mine as they were looking to get hitched. Which meant either my brother or I was about to get pimped out by my grandmother. As my mother started to pour champagne into the glassware, it was now my turn to share with the family and guests something I found fascinating. This was an interesting form of entertainment my step dad found crucial to add on to our Sunday morning festivities. A form of entertainment my brother and I would try to mock most of the time with unusually gruesome facts. But considering the fact that there was a 99.99% chance of being the one pimped out! I decided to share a few medical facts with our boring audience.
"So... I went to the doctor yesterday and guess what!? I have IBS! That's irritable bowel syndrome for those who had no clue what is was. I guess I would be enjoying a lot of flatulence from now on... Cheers!! Back to you Joseph!"
My grandmother almost choked on her bread while my mother spat out her champagne on to my brother, Yoshi's face. The Fernando's were rather surprised by my proclamation but my step dad was beyond furious. I think one of the girls felt nauseous while the other found it funny. Now there's a girl after my own heart, one with a good sense of humor. My attention was quickly drawn to my step dad who was either about to explode due to the intense anger he was bottling up or suffering from a bout of constipation. His eyebrows were directed toward his nose as his forehead wrinkled like an old ladies' macerated skin. Staring at my face with his habitual look of disapproval, he implied his disgust. That was nothing new to me! Mr. Fernando being one of his close work buddies, Joseph probably felt embarrassed by my act of oversharing.

My brother, on the other hand was drenched in a mixture of saliva and champagne, yet he couldn't help but snigger after seeing Joseph's face. My grandma was amazing at defusing potential family calamities like this, after seeing the old demon's face she jumped in with an awkward shrill of a laugh. 
"HAAAAA HEEE HAAAAA NNNNNHHEHEE!"
Personally I felt like she had swallowed that ugly cat of hers.
"My grandson can be quite the joker. Well let's not get distracted by his charm... Let us toast to our health and get to this lovely meal Joeanna has prepared for us."
"CHEERS!" roared the masses and suddenly the spoons, forks and knifes started to clutter the dishes. Devouring the meat, potatoes and the immense variety of cooked vegetables, my mum had prepared was a prerogative for me, especially after I moved out of the house. My cooking was still under crucial implementation, which my mum knew. A fact I was quite embarrassed about after giving my ex food poisoning. So my mum would always make it a point to prepare a great feast every Sunday when I would visit. Unfortunately for me the dead crow this morning, put me off all the food!
An awkward silence snuck up on all of us as everyone start to occupy their mouths with the food on the table. My mum's food often did that to people, but this was different. The breeze was much colder and I could feel shivers sprint along my skin to my spine. I looked toward the direction of the lake and saw deep grey clouds storm the horizon, like a team of horses galloping toward us. The silence was quickly interrupted by a faint "CAW!".

Then... "caw, cawww CAWWW!!" I would hear them from every direction, a murder of crows every where I'd look.

Friday, August 09, 2013

I ask for...

 
I cry...
I scream...
I pray...
& I cry...
 
I ask for reason...
I ask for understanding...
I pray for your grace...
I call for your embrace...
 
I seek memories...
I seek moments...
I follow those dreams...
Sharing stolen visions...
 
I ask why them?
& ask why not them?
I ask for more time...
I ask for more life...
I clench on to this faith...
& I fall no more...
 
I summon much courage...
& seek you in the heavens...
I finally open your book...
& let myself break down...
 
I remember you...
I will always remember you...
I think of you...
I will always think of you...
With every moment,
That my life grows...
That my spirit glows...
I will look up to you...
So you may see me,
So you may look back down on me...
& forever live in my heart...
& in my life...

By Yoshith Perera

 
Dedicated to my Aunt...
Who said her goodbyes to us this week...

May your heart,
Be at peace,
May your soul,
Dine an eternal grace...
May your spirit,
Sore to the blissful heavens...
& live in our hearts,
Till our eventual rests...
 


Saturday, August 03, 2013

The crows... Part 2

#FWF Free Write Friday: Word Bank
This week’s FWF prompt is a word bank:
blanket – falsetto – cumbersome – cinema – coins

Waking up from a nightmare tends to take a toll on you, especially when it's the same one over and over again. But this time it was different, it was more vivid and way more troubling... My own personal horror movie in my head. I blame all of this on my friend, Jenny. She dragged me off to watch "The conjuring" last week and ever since then I've had the worst sleep ever! Unfortunately I can't blame my nightmares on it, they've been around for way longer. It would have been much better if my ghosts mourned with a falsetto voice rather than a real life cinematic experience in my head. Never did I awake, feeling so estranged from reality. My body conscious of the trauma the birds had ravaged, there were bruises everywhere.



Sitting up from bed, I sighed!

"Today's Sunday! Family brunch! My stepdad! Prrrrrrrrrfht....."

Opening the window blinds by my bed, the light just hammered my face thoughtlessly, avenging all the darkness in my room. It was amazing outside, the sky was a blanket of clouds on a light blue sea of possibilities. It always calmed me when I would stare into the universe. Silent, calm and thrilling while the clouds themselves roam the upper atmosphere as if they were guarding someone or something...

It was finally time to take on the cumbersome task of getting ready. Cumbersome because of my mother constantly ranting about how I should and shouldn't dress myself and most importantly because of that troll I call a "Stepfather". He was going to be there, he was going to keep bitching about everything. The coins of money he'd spent on me, what I've got to get done, everything I had to get done and probably more...

I stomached the thought of it all and mindlessly dragged myself into the washroom.

"Shitt!!!!!!" I screeched as I stumbled on something.

A pile of black feathers? Did I go to Jake's costume party last night? Even if I did, I highly doubt that I would wear a head of feathers. On further inspection it was not just a bunch of feathers, but feathers bound to flesh. A crow... To be more precise a dead crow... My bathroom which had no windows harbouring some dead crow...

"Cleaning this up is just gonna take longer..."